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「BEC寫作」解析：這封郵件有何不妥之處？(2)
首先看一看這篇郵件 請找出其中的問題,然后試著改一改呢~
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From: A@rightway.com Date: 25:7:1-16:06:29 To: B@rightway.com Subject: REMINDER!!! John Appreciate if you would consider and bear in mind that I am no longer responsible for dealing with petty cash. Some of your staff keep bringing their vouchers to me, but this responsibility has been taken over by Martin in Accounts, he is the one who should be contacted henceforth for all petty cash matters. Your cooperation is appreciated in making sure all your staffs know about this. BRgs/Sally |
下面,試著指出其中的問題 ~
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Subject: REMINDER[a1] !!! John Appreciate [a2] if you would consider and bear in mind[a3] that I am no longer responsible[a4] for dealing with petty[a5] cash. Some of your staff[a6] keep bringing their vouchers to me, but this responsibility has been taken over by Martin in Accounts , [a7] he is the one who should be contacted henceforth [a8] for all petty cash matters. Your [ a9] cooperation is appreciated in making sure all your staffs [a1 0] know about this. BRgs [ a11] /Sally |
[a1]這里記得遵循SMART原則。詳見:http:///new/p798628/。
[a2]措辭唐突生硬,有種趾高氣揚的囂張氣焰... 這篇信函是ask for cooperation,所以語氣更應誠懇和氣。同時應該加上明確的主語。
[a3]雖然用的是would,但其實與“你必須記住!”無異。 [ a4] 這里也比較無禮。
[a5]猜測寫信人有可能是升值或者換崗位了,所以不負責現金兌換的事宜。但是語氣很高傲…蔑視了之前的這份工作。
[a6]這句話的語氣更是,把責任推給了收信人。
[a7]此處應用句號。注意兩句完整的句子之間應該加連詞,如and 或者but;或者使用分號連接兩個相對的完整句子。
[ a8] 這個詞比較過時,傳達的意義比較模糊。
[a9]結尾比較唐突。 [ a10] Staff不能加s
[ a11] 此處為Regards,省略后不禮貌。
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Subject: Sally’s Job Transfer Dear John Have you heard about the job transfer in our department? Now, I am dealing with other accounting problems arising in our current project, so Martin in Accounts will be responsible for the matters related with vouchers and what I previously did. I would appreciate it if you communicate this message to your staff. Thank you! Best wishes Sally |
你有更好的完善方法嗎?
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